Music Jokes

Beethoven's Ninth in Atlanta

The New York Philharmonic Orchestra was on tour and had a two day engagement in Atlanta, Georgia. The program included Beethoven's 9th Symphony. It also happens that there was a bar just across the street from the concert hall.

There is a 20 minute period during the 4th movement where the basses don't play. So, they decided that, rather than just sitting around waiting, they would sneak out to the bar. They were having a great time drinking and hanging out with the locals. Just a few minutes before their entrance they ran back across the street, getting back to their seats just in time.

The next night, they decided to buy themselves a few extra seconds by tying a string between the pages just before their entrance to slow the conductor down. Again, they snuck out to the bar and were having a great time again and almost lost track of the time. One of them checked his watch and said, "We have to get back!" and they ran out of the bar back to the concert hall.

This was a critical moment in the history of classical music because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.
 

Famous Composers Movie

Three actors decide to make a movie together about famous classical composers.

Brad Pitt says, "I want to play Johannes Brahms.  He wrote such beautiful, lyrical music and his unrequited love for Clara (Vic) Schumann was so sad and poignant."

Tom Cruise says, "I will play Ludwig von Beethoven.  He wrote beautiful and exiting music and continued writing, even after he went deaf."

Arnold Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

Tarzan and the Great African No-Names

A big game hunter was down on his luck due to a lack of business, so he was looking through the classified ads for work when he came across the listing, "Wanted, Great African No-Name -- $25,000 reward."  So, he packed up his gear and headed to Africa.  Now, he knew that if you wanted to find anything in Africa, you would ask Tarzan.  He found him out on the savanna painting stripes on the Zebras -- white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.  The hunter asked Tarzan where he might find the Great African No-Name and Tarzan replied, "Wait here," handed the hunter the paint brush, and went off.  A week later, he returned with the Great African No-Name.  The hunter thanked him and returned to America and collected his reward.

Well, $25,000 doesn't last very long, even when your frugal, so, after a year the money ran out.  So he was back looking through the classified ads and saw the listing, "Wanted, Great African Double No-Name -- $50,000 reward."  So, he packed up his gear again and headed back to Africa.  Again, he found Tarzan still out on the savanna painting stripes on the Zebras -- white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.  The hunter asked Tarzan where he might find the Great African Double No-Name and Tarzan replied, "Wait here," handed the hunter the paint brush, and went off.  Two weeks later, he returned with the Great African Double No-Name.  The hunter thanked him and returned to America and collected the bounty.

After two years the money ran out again, so he was back to looking through the classified ads for work when he came across the listing, "Wanted, Great African Triple No-Name -- $100,000 reward."  Again, he packed up his gear and headed to Africa.  Again, he found Tarzan out on the savanna still painting stripes on the Zebras -- white stripes on black zebras and black stripes on white zebras.  Again, the hunter asked Tarzan where he might find the Great African Triple No-Name and Tarzan replied, "Wait here," handed him the paint brush, and went off.  A month later, he returned with the Great African Triple No-Name.  The hunter thanked him and returned to America and collected the fee.

Upon returning, the hunter invested the $100,000 and lived a comfortable, if modest, life thereafter.

The moral of this story is:  No-Names may come and go, but Tarzan stripes forever.

Opperknockety - World's Greatest Piano Tuner

There was a woman who owned a piano that was badly out of tune.  So, she pulled out the Yellow Pages and looked up "Piano Tuners" and saw and advertisement for Opperknockety - world's greatest piano tuner.  She called him up and he came over and, sure enough, did a fantastic job tuning her piano.

Several years went by and, as pianos are wont to do, it went out of tune again.  Remembering the great job Mr. Opperknockety did, she called him up to retune her piano.

He replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, I can't tune your piano again."

She asked, "Why not?"

He replied, "Why, don't you know, Opperknockety only tunes once."

African Drums

An anthropologist is studying one of the last remaining hunter-gatherer tribes in Africa.  As he walks through the jungle, he hears the constant beating of drums -- -- ba ba boom rat-a-tat-tat -- all day long.  When he finally gets to the village, he asks the first tribesman he sees (in their native language), "What's going on with all the drumming?"

The man replies, "It's bad, really bad."

The anthropologist asks, "Why is it so bad?"

The man says that he'll have to ask the chief.

So, the scientist finds the chief and asks, "Why have the drums been going all day?"

The chief replies, "It's bad, really bad."

Why?

Suddenly, the drumming stops and the chief exclaims, "It's really, really bad now!"

"Why?" the anthropologist asks.

The chief answers, "Now comes the bass solo."

Beethoven's Grave -- Version 1

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.  A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.  Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.  The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.  Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."  He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too.  Most puzzling."  So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.  It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Beethoven's Grave -- Version 2

There was a man who made a habit of taking a shortcut home after work through the cemetery where Beethoven was buried.  As he passed by his grave, the man would hear strange noises coming from it -- shush shush shush shush shush, shush shush shush shush shush.

Finally, after several months of this, the man couldn't take the mystery any more.  So, one night, he snuck into the cemetery with a shovel, dug up Beethoven's grave, and opened his casket.  Inside, sat Beethoven with sheets of music paper and an eraser.  The man asked, "Herr Beethoven, what are you doing?"

Beethoven replied, "I'm decomposing."